can't stop the tears now, need a hug but have no one to give it to me. am i destined to be alone forever, will i get better, or will i succumb to the peace i desire so much.
Monday, March 8, 2010
tears
don't think i should have written that last post about relationships.. i'm now sitting in front of the computer trying not to cry. Why can't i just be normal!!!!!!!
11 days ago
well it's been 11 days since i last wrote anything, i can't believe it's been that long. i'm finding it difficult to remember what i'm doing with my days, not sure why.
things have been ok, no highs and no lows. only the occasional thought about suicide but i manage to push them aside as soon as they enter my head. it's a strange place i'm in, i guess it's what you may describe as "normal", not that i'm sure i know what that feels like. to me it's just living day to day without excitement or sorrow.
sometimes if i'm watching a movie and especially if there is deep and intense love, i find myself feeling sad and lonely. i don't think i'll ever have that, sure i have certainly felt it in the past but have always managed to sabotage all my relationships so they failed. at this point i don't think i will ever be able to commit to a relationship as i'm scared of how bipolar causes me to go from being a hopeless romantic to a total bastard in the matter of minutes. i have learnt how to control this to some point, not sure i want to test it though. it does hurt to know i have pushed some beautiful women away from me, seeing the hurt in their eyes at me being so cold and indifferent to their feelings.
the last was brooke, she made me so happy and helped me out of six months of depression. i would instantly light up whenever i saw her, she could make me feel dizzy just by kissing me. i regret not having her in my life now and am really angry at myself for pushing her away and forcing her to dislike me. fuck i hate bipolar sometimes!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
background - part 1
i remember as a child putting a pillow over my head and trying to suffocate myself, praying to die. i don't know why or if anything led up to me doing that, i do remember it happening numerous times though. it is very daunting to me that as far back as i can remember i have not wanted to live, i don't know how many times i have gone to bed and prayed not to wake up.
i had a reasonably good childhood, made friends easily enough and did well at school. i never really had a close relationship with my parents and still don't to this day, sometimes it bothers me but only if i think about it.
i can't recall any manic episodes during my early teens, besides from the suicidal thoughts, i think i was reasonably normal. i enjoyed my final year at school and it's where i first learnt about photography. i have always considered it as one of my happiest years, i absolutely loved making my first pinhole camera to teaching boy scouts how to use a camera and developing the photographs. that year i played a priest in the school play and received an outstanding achievement award as the highest achiever for my class. i don't consider myself to having much creativity back then, something i think bipolar has helped me with.
my future looked exciting and i was happy. i was accepted into college in adelaide to study photography and was moving away from home to do this. i lasted about 3 months at college, somehow losing motivation and that initial passion i had for photography. i'm not sure if this was the start of my disorder or just being a restless teenager.
back to life
It's 6.25am and i haven't been to bed. i am quite happy about that though as i am feeling good at the moment and planning things for the future. i even checked messages on my phone for the first time in over a week. the past week or so has been really tough, have slept a hell of a lot so i wouldn't have to think. when i wasn't asleep there were those constant suicidal thoughts and planning how i would do it. hopefully i'm coming out of that stage now.
i have thought about this blog and why i'm doing it, in some ways it's like my personal diary i guess. i know it's a huge step for me to share my private thoughts. i really have to get on with my initial intentions of it though, to give people a better understanding of mental illness. i have found again in the past couple of weeks that people have very little patience with some aspects of my disorder and i'm not sure how to change that or even if i can.
i think it's about time i write something about my background and how bipolar has affected my life, then onto doing what's really important.. Helping Others!!!!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
bipolar video
It's about 2.45am and not sleeping. Have decided to see what is out there as far as video's of bipolar. My main reason for putting this one up is for those people that know me and don't understand my illness. Hope this gives you a better understanding.
relevant video
Came across this video on youtube, wasn't looking for it was searching fiona apple songs.
Strange how things show themselves sometimes, struggling not to cut at the moment as it helps.
Will use the video as therapy for now.
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