background - part 1

i remember as a child putting a pillow over my head and trying to suffocate myself, praying to die. i don't know why or if anything led up to me doing that, i do remember it happening numerous times though. it is very daunting to me that as far back as i can remember i have not wanted to live, i don't know how many times i have gone to bed and prayed not to wake up.

i had a reasonably good childhood, made friends easily enough and did well at school. i never really had a close relationship with my parents and still don't to this day, sometimes it bothers me but only if i think about it.

i can't recall any manic episodes during my early teens, besides from the suicidal thoughts, i think i was reasonably normal. i enjoyed my final year at school and it's where i first learnt about photography. i have always considered it as one of my happiest years, i absolutely loved making my first pinhole camera to teaching boy scouts how to use a camera and developing the photographs. that year i played a priest in the school play and received an outstanding achievement award as the highest achiever for my class. i don't consider myself to having much creativity back then, something i think bipolar has helped me with.

my future looked exciting and i was happy. i was accepted into college in adelaide to study photography and was moving away from home to do this. i lasted about 3 months at college, somehow losing motivation and that initial passion i had for photography. i'm not sure if this was the start of my disorder or just being a restless teenager.

back to life

It's 6.25am and i haven't been to bed. i am quite happy about that though as i am feeling good at the moment and planning things for the future. i even checked messages on my phone for the first time in over a week. the past week or so has been really tough, have slept a hell of a lot so i wouldn't have to think. when i wasn't asleep there were those constant suicidal thoughts and planning how i would do it. hopefully i'm coming out of that stage now.

i have thought about this blog and why i'm doing it, in some ways it's like my personal diary i guess. i know it's a huge step for me to share my private thoughts. i really have to get on with my initial intentions of it though, to give people a better understanding of mental illness. i have found again in the past couple of weeks that people have very little patience with some aspects of my disorder and i'm not sure how to change that or even if i can.

i think it's about time i write something about my background and how bipolar has affected my life, then onto doing what's really important.. Helping Others!!!!