Learn to be lonely

Always cried when this song played at the end of the movie.

Very appropriate lyrics for the loneliness felt with bipolar.

i'm still here

It's been a long, long time since i last posted on here. a lot has changed during the past 8 months. i still receive treatment from the pa hospital, have a case manager, a psychologist and a physciatrist that i see there regularly. I have also started a program and treatment with a life promotion clinic at the griffith uni which delves into suicidal tendencies. The physciatrist i see there is wonderful so i am hoping that it will help.

I guess as far as the bipolar is concerned, not much has changed really. the meds cause a numbing effect so the extremes of the condition aren't as prevalent. Can't say that i particularly enjoy the numbness though.

I still have the regular thoughts about wanting to be here, last night was particularly bad. After a relatively good day and productive night, as soon as i tried to sleep i started crying. This then led to cutting my arm to release the pain. Decided just to stay up after that and go to the office. Once again i found myself sitting at a train station wondering how long i will endure this for and what the point of living is.

So we'll see where the day takes me. Have an appointment with my psychologist this afternoon so that should be interesting.

Next post soon!!

update

I can't believe it's been so long since i last posted on here! Once again a lot has changed since my last post. i went through a very angry stage where i disliked anyone that didn't understand mental illness or more importantly didn't care. i made the decision to quit the fashion industry altogether and give up photography during this stage because of it being a purely self absorbed and image conscious industry. i have learnt probably just in the past week that i need to stop and think before i make rash decisions and control the bipolar rather then let it control me. it has been a good week and my mood has been stable, i'm feeling quite content and dare i say it, even happy.

i have now taken steps to begin helping others with mental illnesses and am really excited to start studying for a diploma in mental health. this has given me something to look forward to and has given me some enthusiasm to photograph again to pay for my studies. i see this as a way to earn money from an image based industry to help people who really need it.

will write more soon... :)

from vain to sane

i'm not going to write much this evening, although there is a lot to say. a lot of things have changed in the last couple of weeks. i will go into more detail later but basically i am no longer wanting to work in the agency and have decided to give up photography as well.

the title of this post is for a reason, i am completely changing my life.

will hopefully write about this in the next few days.

A time to act

It's now 6.30am. I tried to sleep but for some reason started crying. My tears then turned to anger at this disorder. I seriously hate bipolar and how it effects me and the havoc it has caused in my life. I have had enough of the roller coaster ride i have been through for so many years now. It will not get the better of me and I will fight it with all my strength so I can live a normal, happy and successful life.

I have let things and people walk over me because it was easier than fighting back and causing stress. Soon i will be well again and then to those people that have attacked me, without even the decency to put their names to their words, I will fight back and it will be you that has egg on your faces.

Years ago in Adelaide i didn't fight a case, firstly as I didn't want the person to get hurt by it and then I wasn't well enough. It was then easier to ignore it. I am tired now of thinking of other people and putting their well being before my own. We both know the truth and at some stage it will come out and in court.

I was going to leave all of this as I know the truth, but no longer will I let people tell lies and get away with it. Enough is enough.

update

It's been a while since I last wrote anything. I have thought of things to write during this time but they tend to stay in my head and I don't write them down.  Since my last post a few things have happened. My psychiatrist has now doubled my medication and it seems to be working okay. The only issue is the side effects the past few days, mainly headaches and nausea. The lithium also gives a metallic taste which is rather disgusting.

I have had far less suicidal thoughts over the last couple of weeks, they are still there but far less frequent. It mainly happens now when I try to sleep, thoughts of not wanting to wake up tend to slip into my head.

I did a photo shoot last week, the first in quite some time. I'm not sure i was ready to do that yet as I found that I just went through the motions rather than being excited or indeed creative at all.

I am eager to get things going and stable with the agency and hopefully have staff coming on board to make sure work is coming in. I doubt at this stage that I will be doing a lot with it myself as I still don't feel that I can contribute enough to it on a consistent basis. Also my doctors are telling me to take things slowly and that it's very early days on my road to recovery.

I am growing impatient though as it feels like I will never get there and be normal and i guess I'm apprehensive about never being fully happy.

I have had and continue to have great support from the pa hospital and receive daily visits from the a2a team. I can't thank them and the acute care team enough for the job that they do and the care and compassion that they show me.

I have been lucky enough to also find support from people until recently I didn't know. Charlie is a new friend that I met recently that is one of the sweetest people I have known. She previously was in a relationship with someone who also has bipolar and is aware of how tough it can be. Nevertheless she has shown me strength and kindness in helping me deal with this and with keeping me positive. I am sure i will write more about Charlie in the future.

Well it's now 5.15am and i haven't been able to sleep. My sleep patterns are still all over the place, will be so happy if they can become normal. I have a blood test at 8am to check the levels of my medication so I will try and get a couple of hours sleep.

Hopefully it won't be so long until I write my next post.

monitoring mood

had a visit today from the acute care team from the pa hospital to check on my progress, it was good to see them and i was happy and in a good mood. they showed some concern on me overdoing things and to watch my symptoms.

i thought at the time that everything was ok, but i have now been awake for 22 hours and am constantly needing to do something.

i am a bit worried because in the past this can lead to a manic episode and that is the last thing i need at the moment.

i guess on the upside, my day has been very productive. i have made calls that i have ignored for the past few months and it feels good to be out of the depressed mood i've been in the past four months.

i had a look at office space for the agency that i will most likely sign a lease on and also built a website for my photography. added a new page for the agency on facebook and got in touch with sane australia, a charity dedicated to mental illnesses. i hope that could be the start of me helping others.

going to try and sleep now and monitor my moods carefully tomorrow, have blood tests on thursday morning and an appointment with my psychiatrist so i guess i can ascertain how things are going then.