another day

i have been awake now for around 38 hours, tried to sleep before but i can't.

did some interviews today as they needed to be done, wasn't planning on going back to the agency to do them. (should probably fill you in on what "the agency" is at some stage)

it's a funny thing this bipolar, how just driving, a random thought will enter my head to steer the car into oncoming traffic. suicide is ever present in my mind, even when i'm not depressed these random thoughts will enter my head from nowhere. it can be anything from seeing myself hanging, holding a gun to my head or even stabbing myself. kind of weird when you think about it.

if i didn't know better i'd think i was possessed!!! (yay! made myself smile)

think on that note i will try to go to bed happy for once... Hope it lasts at least until i'm asleep.

vincent van gogh

These are some lyrics from the song 'vincent', obviously about vincent van gogh. Strange when i think about it as he has always been my favourite artist for as long as i can remember.

Around 10 years ago when i had a photo studio in adelaide, i went through a stage where i would turn all the lights off in the studio, tell my receptionist downstairs not to disturb me, and then i would just sit in a corner of the studio in the dark, sometimes with music playing, other times not.

I remember feeling like i was being tortured from the inside and that no one understood either me or my creativity, which was at an all time high then and when i took my best photographs.

I would compare how i was feeling to how vincent van gogh must have felt, delusional maybe as i will never be as gifted as he was. The strange thing is this was 9 years before i was diagnosed with the same condition that he had, bipolar.

anyway below are parts of the song that hit home to me the most!

look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the
darkness in my soul

and now I understand what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
they would not listen
they did not know how
perhaps they'll listen now

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry starry night
you took your life
as lovers often do

and now I think I know what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free

they would not listen
they're not list'ning still
perhaps they never will