tears

don't think i should have written that last post about relationships.. i'm now sitting in front of the computer trying not to cry. Why can't i just be normal!!!!!!!

can't stop the tears now, need a hug but have no one to give it to me. am i destined to be alone forever, will i get better, or will i succumb to the peace i desire so much.

11 days ago

well it's been 11 days since i last wrote anything, i can't believe it's been that long. i'm finding it difficult to remember what i'm doing with my days, not sure why.

things have been ok, no highs and no lows. only the occasional thought about suicide but i manage to push them aside as soon as they enter my head. it's a strange place i'm in, i guess it's what you may describe as "normal", not that i'm sure i know what that feels like. to me it's just living day to day without excitement or sorrow.

sometimes if i'm watching a movie and especially if there is deep and intense love, i find myself feeling sad and lonely. i don't think i'll ever have that, sure i have certainly felt it in the past but have always managed to sabotage all my relationships so they failed. at this point i don't think i will ever be able to commit to a relationship as i'm scared of how bipolar causes me to go from being a hopeless romantic to a total bastard in the matter of minutes. i have learnt how to control this to some point, not sure i want to test it though. it does hurt to know i have pushed some beautiful women away from me, seeing the hurt in their eyes at me being so cold and indifferent to their feelings.

the last was brooke, she made me so happy and helped me out of six months of depression. i would instantly light up whenever i saw her, she could make me feel dizzy just by kissing me. i regret not having her in my life now and am really angry at myself for pushing her away and forcing her to dislike me. fuck i hate bipolar sometimes!!!!!!!!