It's now 6.30am. I tried to sleep but for some reason started crying. My tears then turned to anger at this disorder. I seriously hate bipolar and how it effects me and the havoc it has caused in my life. I have had enough of the roller coaster ride i have been through for so many years now. It will not get the better of me and I will fight it with all my strength so I can live a normal, happy and successful life.
I have let things and people walk over me because it was easier than fighting back and causing stress. Soon i will be well again and then to those people that have attacked me, without even the decency to put their names to their words, I will fight back and it will be you that has egg on your faces.
Years ago in Adelaide i didn't fight a case, firstly as I didn't want the person to get hurt by it and then I wasn't well enough. It was then easier to ignore it. I am tired now of thinking of other people and putting their well being before my own. We both know the truth and at some stage it will come out and in court.
I was going to leave all of this as I know the truth, but no longer will I let people tell lies and get away with it. Enough is enough.
Friday, May 7, 2010
update
It's been a while since I last wrote anything. I have thought of things to write during this time but they tend to stay in my head and I don't write them down. Since my last post a few things have happened. My psychiatrist has now doubled my medication and it seems to be working okay. The only issue is the side effects the past few days, mainly headaches and nausea. The lithium also gives a metallic taste which is rather disgusting.
I have had far less suicidal thoughts over the last couple of weeks, they are still there but far less frequent. It mainly happens now when I try to sleep, thoughts of not wanting to wake up tend to slip into my head.
I did a photo shoot last week, the first in quite some time. I'm not sure i was ready to do that yet as I found that I just went through the motions rather than being excited or indeed creative at all.
I am eager to get things going and stable with the agency and hopefully have staff coming on board to make sure work is coming in. I doubt at this stage that I will be doing a lot with it myself as I still don't feel that I can contribute enough to it on a consistent basis. Also my doctors are telling me to take things slowly and that it's very early days on my road to recovery.
I am growing impatient though as it feels like I will never get there and be normal and i guess I'm apprehensive about never being fully happy.
I have had and continue to have great support from the pa hospital and receive daily visits from the a2a team. I can't thank them and the acute care team enough for the job that they do and the care and compassion that they show me.
I have been lucky enough to also find support from people until recently I didn't know. Charlie is a new friend that I met recently that is one of the sweetest people I have known. She previously was in a relationship with someone who also has bipolar and is aware of how tough it can be. Nevertheless she has shown me strength and kindness in helping me deal with this and with keeping me positive. I am sure i will write more about Charlie in the future.
Well it's now 5.15am and i haven't been able to sleep. My sleep patterns are still all over the place, will be so happy if they can become normal. I have a blood test at 8am to check the levels of my medication so I will try and get a couple of hours sleep.
Hopefully it won't be so long until I write my next post.
I have had far less suicidal thoughts over the last couple of weeks, they are still there but far less frequent. It mainly happens now when I try to sleep, thoughts of not wanting to wake up tend to slip into my head.
I did a photo shoot last week, the first in quite some time. I'm not sure i was ready to do that yet as I found that I just went through the motions rather than being excited or indeed creative at all.
I am eager to get things going and stable with the agency and hopefully have staff coming on board to make sure work is coming in. I doubt at this stage that I will be doing a lot with it myself as I still don't feel that I can contribute enough to it on a consistent basis. Also my doctors are telling me to take things slowly and that it's very early days on my road to recovery.
I am growing impatient though as it feels like I will never get there and be normal and i guess I'm apprehensive about never being fully happy.
I have had and continue to have great support from the pa hospital and receive daily visits from the a2a team. I can't thank them and the acute care team enough for the job that they do and the care and compassion that they show me.
I have been lucky enough to also find support from people until recently I didn't know. Charlie is a new friend that I met recently that is one of the sweetest people I have known. She previously was in a relationship with someone who also has bipolar and is aware of how tough it can be. Nevertheless she has shown me strength and kindness in helping me deal with this and with keeping me positive. I am sure i will write more about Charlie in the future.
Well it's now 5.15am and i haven't been able to sleep. My sleep patterns are still all over the place, will be so happy if they can become normal. I have a blood test at 8am to check the levels of my medication so I will try and get a couple of hours sleep.
Hopefully it won't be so long until I write my next post.
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