background - part 1

i remember as a child putting a pillow over my head and trying to suffocate myself, praying to die. i don't know why or if anything led up to me doing that, i do remember it happening numerous times though. it is very daunting to me that as far back as i can remember i have not wanted to live, i don't know how many times i have gone to bed and prayed not to wake up.

i had a reasonably good childhood, made friends easily enough and did well at school. i never really had a close relationship with my parents and still don't to this day, sometimes it bothers me but only if i think about it.

i can't recall any manic episodes during my early teens, besides from the suicidal thoughts, i think i was reasonably normal. i enjoyed my final year at school and it's where i first learnt about photography. i have always considered it as one of my happiest years, i absolutely loved making my first pinhole camera to teaching boy scouts how to use a camera and developing the photographs. that year i played a priest in the school play and received an outstanding achievement award as the highest achiever for my class. i don't consider myself to having much creativity back then, something i think bipolar has helped me with.

my future looked exciting and i was happy. i was accepted into college in adelaide to study photography and was moving away from home to do this. i lasted about 3 months at college, somehow losing motivation and that initial passion i had for photography. i'm not sure if this was the start of my disorder or just being a restless teenager.