back to life

at 1.30am on tuesday morning i drove to a dirt road around goodna,
stopped the car at the end of the road and got out and had a cigarette.

i then cut the hose i had bought earlier and put one end in the exhaust and the other end in the rear window. i then taped up the window to prevent fumes from escaping.

started the car and sat there for an hour and 15min inhaling carbon monoxide from the car exhaust. i can't  really say why i turned the engine off, i have tried to remember but am unable to.

i took the hose out of the exhaust and drove to the emergency department at the pa hospital.
i was treated for carbon monoxide poisoning which basically means receiveing oxygen and monitoring of blood and oxygen levels in the blood.

my emotions were all over the place, from thinking next time i will do something quicker to maybe now i will get help.

around 7am i was taken to mental health to be interviewed. it was interesting to see the other people waiting.
there was a lady in a private room who had overdosed on heroin in a bid to commit suicide. she was on the phone to someone and yelling at them because they had told a friend of the heroin overdose and not that it was a suicide attempt.

there were two young guys in there, one was twenty, not sure about the other.  it was sad to see such young kids in a mental facility. also a young chinese woman that swore she didn't have bipolar and that it was her friends and family that didn't understand her and she was normal. i hope she confronts her illness rather than denying it.

around lunch time i was interviewed initially, i think for the first time someone understood my symptoms and actions. not only that but they were prepared to help.
i was then interviewed by a psychiatrist and she confirmed type 1 bipolar and a plan to treat it.

to start with cutting down on my dose of anti depressants which quite frankly have been useless and starting me on meds to stabilise my moods.

i have an appointment with the accute care team on friday morning to start the treatment and a promise to monitor it until the right dose is achieved.

they agreed to allow me to leave after my promise not to harm myself. i thanked the nurses and doctor, trying to stop myself from crying as someone had at last agreed to help.

it does sadden me to think that i needed to take such drastic action to get help, if carbon monoxide poisoning did not take so long then i wouldn't be writing this now. during that time in the car it gave me time to think and i now remember why i turned the engine off, my vow to help others that suffer from mental illnesses.

i fell asleep around 12 last night and slept until 5.30 pm. i am feeling okay at the moment and relieved i think that maybe with the right treatment i can decrease the suicidal thoughts and manic episodes.

i realise that i have a long way to go and that it wont be easy but at the moment i am okay with that.