vincent van gogh

These are some lyrics from the song 'vincent', obviously about vincent van gogh. Strange when i think about it as he has always been my favourite artist for as long as i can remember.

Around 10 years ago when i had a photo studio in adelaide, i went through a stage where i would turn all the lights off in the studio, tell my receptionist downstairs not to disturb me, and then i would just sit in a corner of the studio in the dark, sometimes with music playing, other times not.

I remember feeling like i was being tortured from the inside and that no one understood either me or my creativity, which was at an all time high then and when i took my best photographs.

I would compare how i was feeling to how vincent van gogh must have felt, delusional maybe as i will never be as gifted as he was. The strange thing is this was 9 years before i was diagnosed with the same condition that he had, bipolar.

anyway below are parts of the song that hit home to me the most!

look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the
darkness in my soul

and now I understand what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
they would not listen
they did not know how
perhaps they'll listen now

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry starry night
you took your life
as lovers often do

and now I think I know what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free

they would not listen
they're not list'ning still
perhaps they never will

sleeping to avoid life

12 days since my last post. once again i'm not really clear what i've been doing in those 12 days. the past week i've been sleeping a lot to avoid life. had a few really bad days the end of last week culminating in cutting my arm to stop the pain. I was really ready to finish it this time and always have a plan of how to do it. Something keeps me going though and i'm not sure what that is. It's not support because i don't have that and i'm not about to ask for it from friends, not that i have many of those. I tend to lose them easily through lack of contact although it's easy to make new ones when i'm going through manic episodes.

I think i regret letting people know i have bipolar, i thought it would help them understand me a bit more and at least know why i act the way i do sometimes. Bottom line is they have no patience for the symptoms i sometimes have. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, far from it, just acknowledgement that i can't always control my disorder.

I thought reducing stress would make a difference to everything, not sure that it has though. I still don't want to be here, i think the only thing that has happened is that i'm not having the manic episodes. I think i miss them because of the intense high and excitement that they give me, instead of this dullness that i have been living with the past few months.

I still haven't done anything about documenting mental illnesses, don't have any motivation to do anything at the moment or the energy to propel myself forward out of my current state.

I even wonder why i continue to write this blog, who even cares enough to read it. So i do it for me, nobody else, and the way i feel at the moment i don't give a fuck whether they do or not. I have dealt with my illness by myself and will continue to do so until i decide i've had enough.

ignorance

proof that people not only don't understand mental heath disorders, but really don't care!!

this was written about me, my first emotion was anger and then sadness. thoughts of why the hell am i fighting this, no one cares!!!

"I know he has been having some medical problems lately but that still isn’t a reason for him not to contact anyone, especially me".

"Frankly, I’m a little ticked off myself so I can imagine how you are feeling".

"You are more then welcome to try and give him a call on his mobile".

"I really don’t care if he gets upset at me for giving out his number, and if he does then oh well"!!

what i fight against everyday

tears

don't think i should have written that last post about relationships.. i'm now sitting in front of the computer trying not to cry. Why can't i just be normal!!!!!!!

can't stop the tears now, need a hug but have no one to give it to me. am i destined to be alone forever, will i get better, or will i succumb to the peace i desire so much.

11 days ago

well it's been 11 days since i last wrote anything, i can't believe it's been that long. i'm finding it difficult to remember what i'm doing with my days, not sure why.

things have been ok, no highs and no lows. only the occasional thought about suicide but i manage to push them aside as soon as they enter my head. it's a strange place i'm in, i guess it's what you may describe as "normal", not that i'm sure i know what that feels like. to me it's just living day to day without excitement or sorrow.

sometimes if i'm watching a movie and especially if there is deep and intense love, i find myself feeling sad and lonely. i don't think i'll ever have that, sure i have certainly felt it in the past but have always managed to sabotage all my relationships so they failed. at this point i don't think i will ever be able to commit to a relationship as i'm scared of how bipolar causes me to go from being a hopeless romantic to a total bastard in the matter of minutes. i have learnt how to control this to some point, not sure i want to test it though. it does hurt to know i have pushed some beautiful women away from me, seeing the hurt in their eyes at me being so cold and indifferent to their feelings.

the last was brooke, she made me so happy and helped me out of six months of depression. i would instantly light up whenever i saw her, she could make me feel dizzy just by kissing me. i regret not having her in my life now and am really angry at myself for pushing her away and forcing her to dislike me. fuck i hate bipolar sometimes!!!!!!!!

background - part 1

i remember as a child putting a pillow over my head and trying to suffocate myself, praying to die. i don't know why or if anything led up to me doing that, i do remember it happening numerous times though. it is very daunting to me that as far back as i can remember i have not wanted to live, i don't know how many times i have gone to bed and prayed not to wake up.

i had a reasonably good childhood, made friends easily enough and did well at school. i never really had a close relationship with my parents and still don't to this day, sometimes it bothers me but only if i think about it.

i can't recall any manic episodes during my early teens, besides from the suicidal thoughts, i think i was reasonably normal. i enjoyed my final year at school and it's where i first learnt about photography. i have always considered it as one of my happiest years, i absolutely loved making my first pinhole camera to teaching boy scouts how to use a camera and developing the photographs. that year i played a priest in the school play and received an outstanding achievement award as the highest achiever for my class. i don't consider myself to having much creativity back then, something i think bipolar has helped me with.

my future looked exciting and i was happy. i was accepted into college in adelaide to study photography and was moving away from home to do this. i lasted about 3 months at college, somehow losing motivation and that initial passion i had for photography. i'm not sure if this was the start of my disorder or just being a restless teenager.