A time to act

It's now 6.30am. I tried to sleep but for some reason started crying. My tears then turned to anger at this disorder. I seriously hate bipolar and how it effects me and the havoc it has caused in my life. I have had enough of the roller coaster ride i have been through for so many years now. It will not get the better of me and I will fight it with all my strength so I can live a normal, happy and successful life.

I have let things and people walk over me because it was easier than fighting back and causing stress. Soon i will be well again and then to those people that have attacked me, without even the decency to put their names to their words, I will fight back and it will be you that has egg on your faces.

Years ago in Adelaide i didn't fight a case, firstly as I didn't want the person to get hurt by it and then I wasn't well enough. It was then easier to ignore it. I am tired now of thinking of other people and putting their well being before my own. We both know the truth and at some stage it will come out and in court.

I was going to leave all of this as I know the truth, but no longer will I let people tell lies and get away with it. Enough is enough.

update

It's been a while since I last wrote anything. I have thought of things to write during this time but they tend to stay in my head and I don't write them down.  Since my last post a few things have happened. My psychiatrist has now doubled my medication and it seems to be working okay. The only issue is the side effects the past few days, mainly headaches and nausea. The lithium also gives a metallic taste which is rather disgusting.

I have had far less suicidal thoughts over the last couple of weeks, they are still there but far less frequent. It mainly happens now when I try to sleep, thoughts of not wanting to wake up tend to slip into my head.

I did a photo shoot last week, the first in quite some time. I'm not sure i was ready to do that yet as I found that I just went through the motions rather than being excited or indeed creative at all.

I am eager to get things going and stable with the agency and hopefully have staff coming on board to make sure work is coming in. I doubt at this stage that I will be doing a lot with it myself as I still don't feel that I can contribute enough to it on a consistent basis. Also my doctors are telling me to take things slowly and that it's very early days on my road to recovery.

I am growing impatient though as it feels like I will never get there and be normal and i guess I'm apprehensive about never being fully happy.

I have had and continue to have great support from the pa hospital and receive daily visits from the a2a team. I can't thank them and the acute care team enough for the job that they do and the care and compassion that they show me.

I have been lucky enough to also find support from people until recently I didn't know. Charlie is a new friend that I met recently that is one of the sweetest people I have known. She previously was in a relationship with someone who also has bipolar and is aware of how tough it can be. Nevertheless she has shown me strength and kindness in helping me deal with this and with keeping me positive. I am sure i will write more about Charlie in the future.

Well it's now 5.15am and i haven't been able to sleep. My sleep patterns are still all over the place, will be so happy if they can become normal. I have a blood test at 8am to check the levels of my medication so I will try and get a couple of hours sleep.

Hopefully it won't be so long until I write my next post.

monitoring mood

had a visit today from the acute care team from the pa hospital to check on my progress, it was good to see them and i was happy and in a good mood. they showed some concern on me overdoing things and to watch my symptoms.

i thought at the time that everything was ok, but i have now been awake for 22 hours and am constantly needing to do something.

i am a bit worried because in the past this can lead to a manic episode and that is the last thing i need at the moment.

i guess on the upside, my day has been very productive. i have made calls that i have ignored for the past few months and it feels good to be out of the depressed mood i've been in the past four months.

i had a look at office space for the agency that i will most likely sign a lease on and also built a website for my photography. added a new page for the agency on facebook and got in touch with sane australia, a charity dedicated to mental illnesses. i hope that could be the start of me helping others.

going to try and sleep now and monitor my moods carefully tomorrow, have blood tests on thursday morning and an appointment with my psychiatrist so i guess i can ascertain how things are going then.

happy

i have been taking new meds for 5 days now. i'm feeling really good at the moment and haven't had any thoughts of suicide for the past few days. I can't remember the last time that those thoughts haven't been present. i don't think i'm entering a manic episode as i have no thoughts of grandure or of spending money i don't have. i am hoping that my emotions at the moment are a result of the meds and that i am stable.

I feel happy to be alive and am excited about resuming work and begin living again. i have a lot of things to sort out at the moment but i am not daunted about this.

i plan on looking at new premises for the agency and also looking for somewhere new to live.

life feels good at the moment.

new meds

saw my psychiatrist today and started new meds. has to be monitored for a while with blood tests to get the dosage right. i am hoping this will at long last stabilise everything so i can get back to work and living my life again.

i am quite content at the moment and am excited about the future, i miss working in the agency and shooting and am looking forward to slowly getting back into it.

i guess now with knowing the signs of manic episodes and also depression, it should be easier, plus i also have psychiatric support now.

it's time to start living again

back to life

at 1.30am on tuesday morning i drove to a dirt road around goodna,
stopped the car at the end of the road and got out and had a cigarette.

i then cut the hose i had bought earlier and put one end in the exhaust and the other end in the rear window. i then taped up the window to prevent fumes from escaping.

started the car and sat there for an hour and 15min inhaling carbon monoxide from the car exhaust. i can't  really say why i turned the engine off, i have tried to remember but am unable to.

i took the hose out of the exhaust and drove to the emergency department at the pa hospital.
i was treated for carbon monoxide poisoning which basically means receiveing oxygen and monitoring of blood and oxygen levels in the blood.

my emotions were all over the place, from thinking next time i will do something quicker to maybe now i will get help.

around 7am i was taken to mental health to be interviewed. it was interesting to see the other people waiting.
there was a lady in a private room who had overdosed on heroin in a bid to commit suicide. she was on the phone to someone and yelling at them because they had told a friend of the heroin overdose and not that it was a suicide attempt.

there were two young guys in there, one was twenty, not sure about the other.  it was sad to see such young kids in a mental facility. also a young chinese woman that swore she didn't have bipolar and that it was her friends and family that didn't understand her and she was normal. i hope she confronts her illness rather than denying it.

around lunch time i was interviewed initially, i think for the first time someone understood my symptoms and actions. not only that but they were prepared to help.
i was then interviewed by a psychiatrist and she confirmed type 1 bipolar and a plan to treat it.

to start with cutting down on my dose of anti depressants which quite frankly have been useless and starting me on meds to stabilise my moods.

i have an appointment with the accute care team on friday morning to start the treatment and a promise to monitor it until the right dose is achieved.

they agreed to allow me to leave after my promise not to harm myself. i thanked the nurses and doctor, trying to stop myself from crying as someone had at last agreed to help.

it does sadden me to think that i needed to take such drastic action to get help, if carbon monoxide poisoning did not take so long then i wouldn't be writing this now. during that time in the car it gave me time to think and i now remember why i turned the engine off, my vow to help others that suffer from mental illnesses.

i fell asleep around 12 last night and slept until 5.30 pm. i am feeling okay at the moment and relieved i think that maybe with the right treatment i can decrease the suicidal thoughts and manic episodes.

i realise that i have a long way to go and that it wont be easy but at the moment i am okay with that.

time to die - my last post

it's been 19 days since my last post. i think i have slept a majority of that time, easier than being awake. i've had a few legal issues with not enough funds to cover cheques back in december and early january. i remember thinking at the time that i would be able to cover them, always a problem when i don't have a hold on reality and then slip back into the lulls of my disorder.

i have been staying in a motel for the last 9 days because i have nowhere else to go and can't ask friends for help as they wouldn't want to know about it. sure they may show some sympathy but that would be the extent of it. one "friend" that i asked numerous times to read this blog flatly refused saying he didn't need to. i guess i wanted him to know how i was coping. it gets back to how i have felt all along, no one cares enough about mental illness. i feel again that i am on my own with this so the past 9 days i have spent on my own.

tonight is the night that i will find peace, i am in a relatively good mood. i'm not depressed or manic. i slept most of today and then had a shower and rushed to bunnings before they closed. i had ten minutes to buy hose, a stanley knife and duct tape. it was quite surreal asking staff where the garden hose section was and stanley knives. i found myself running around the store so i didn't run out of time to get what i needed. i wasn't sure what diameter hose to buy to fit in to the exhaust without it being to large to tape the window of the car up.

it is 10 pm now, i will probably burn a cd soon so i can listen to it in the car later. have some washing to do as well, strange really why i would want to do that when i don't plan on being around to wear them.

12.40pm now, watched tv for a while, didn't do washing though. i have been having second thoughts about going through with this and trying to get my life on track and of course the agency. i even signed up for a new web hosting account.

i am getting tired now, going to get changed and go for a drive. if this is my last post then i say goodbye and i hope that anyone reading this will understand. i also hope that it may send a message to health departments and that so much more needs to be done for sufferers of mental disorders, especially when they cry out for help.