time to die - my last post

it's been 19 days since my last post. i think i have slept a majority of that time, easier than being awake. i've had a few legal issues with not enough funds to cover cheques back in december and early january. i remember thinking at the time that i would be able to cover them, always a problem when i don't have a hold on reality and then slip back into the lulls of my disorder.

i have been staying in a motel for the last 9 days because i have nowhere else to go and can't ask friends for help as they wouldn't want to know about it. sure they may show some sympathy but that would be the extent of it. one "friend" that i asked numerous times to read this blog flatly refused saying he didn't need to. i guess i wanted him to know how i was coping. it gets back to how i have felt all along, no one cares enough about mental illness. i feel again that i am on my own with this so the past 9 days i have spent on my own.

tonight is the night that i will find peace, i am in a relatively good mood. i'm not depressed or manic. i slept most of today and then had a shower and rushed to bunnings before they closed. i had ten minutes to buy hose, a stanley knife and duct tape. it was quite surreal asking staff where the garden hose section was and stanley knives. i found myself running around the store so i didn't run out of time to get what i needed. i wasn't sure what diameter hose to buy to fit in to the exhaust without it being to large to tape the window of the car up.

it is 10 pm now, i will probably burn a cd soon so i can listen to it in the car later. have some washing to do as well, strange really why i would want to do that when i don't plan on being around to wear them.

12.40pm now, watched tv for a while, didn't do washing though. i have been having second thoughts about going through with this and trying to get my life on track and of course the agency. i even signed up for a new web hosting account.

i am getting tired now, going to get changed and go for a drive. if this is my last post then i say goodbye and i hope that anyone reading this will understand. i also hope that it may send a message to health departments and that so much more needs to be done for sufferers of mental disorders, especially when they cry out for help.

another day

i have been awake now for around 38 hours, tried to sleep before but i can't.

did some interviews today as they needed to be done, wasn't planning on going back to the agency to do them. (should probably fill you in on what "the agency" is at some stage)

it's a funny thing this bipolar, how just driving, a random thought will enter my head to steer the car into oncoming traffic. suicide is ever present in my mind, even when i'm not depressed these random thoughts will enter my head from nowhere. it can be anything from seeing myself hanging, holding a gun to my head or even stabbing myself. kind of weird when you think about it.

if i didn't know better i'd think i was possessed!!! (yay! made myself smile)

think on that note i will try to go to bed happy for once... Hope it lasts at least until i'm asleep.

vincent van gogh

These are some lyrics from the song 'vincent', obviously about vincent van gogh. Strange when i think about it as he has always been my favourite artist for as long as i can remember.

Around 10 years ago when i had a photo studio in adelaide, i went through a stage where i would turn all the lights off in the studio, tell my receptionist downstairs not to disturb me, and then i would just sit in a corner of the studio in the dark, sometimes with music playing, other times not.

I remember feeling like i was being tortured from the inside and that no one understood either me or my creativity, which was at an all time high then and when i took my best photographs.

I would compare how i was feeling to how vincent van gogh must have felt, delusional maybe as i will never be as gifted as he was. The strange thing is this was 9 years before i was diagnosed with the same condition that he had, bipolar.

anyway below are parts of the song that hit home to me the most!

look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the
darkness in my soul

and now I understand what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
they would not listen
they did not know how
perhaps they'll listen now

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry starry night
you took your life
as lovers often do

and now I think I know what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free

they would not listen
they're not list'ning still
perhaps they never will

sleeping to avoid life

12 days since my last post. once again i'm not really clear what i've been doing in those 12 days. the past week i've been sleeping a lot to avoid life. had a few really bad days the end of last week culminating in cutting my arm to stop the pain. I was really ready to finish it this time and always have a plan of how to do it. Something keeps me going though and i'm not sure what that is. It's not support because i don't have that and i'm not about to ask for it from friends, not that i have many of those. I tend to lose them easily through lack of contact although it's easy to make new ones when i'm going through manic episodes.

I think i regret letting people know i have bipolar, i thought it would help them understand me a bit more and at least know why i act the way i do sometimes. Bottom line is they have no patience for the symptoms i sometimes have. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, far from it, just acknowledgement that i can't always control my disorder.

I thought reducing stress would make a difference to everything, not sure that it has though. I still don't want to be here, i think the only thing that has happened is that i'm not having the manic episodes. I think i miss them because of the intense high and excitement that they give me, instead of this dullness that i have been living with the past few months.

I still haven't done anything about documenting mental illnesses, don't have any motivation to do anything at the moment or the energy to propel myself forward out of my current state.

I even wonder why i continue to write this blog, who even cares enough to read it. So i do it for me, nobody else, and the way i feel at the moment i don't give a fuck whether they do or not. I have dealt with my illness by myself and will continue to do so until i decide i've had enough.

ignorance

proof that people not only don't understand mental heath disorders, but really don't care!!

this was written about me, my first emotion was anger and then sadness. thoughts of why the hell am i fighting this, no one cares!!!

"I know he has been having some medical problems lately but that still isn’t a reason for him not to contact anyone, especially me".

"Frankly, I’m a little ticked off myself so I can imagine how you are feeling".

"You are more then welcome to try and give him a call on his mobile".

"I really don’t care if he gets upset at me for giving out his number, and if he does then oh well"!!

what i fight against everyday

tears

don't think i should have written that last post about relationships.. i'm now sitting in front of the computer trying not to cry. Why can't i just be normal!!!!!!!

can't stop the tears now, need a hug but have no one to give it to me. am i destined to be alone forever, will i get better, or will i succumb to the peace i desire so much.