decided to share this: an entry i made in my diary
it's all about image! sitting on a seat outside myers and the sunglass hut, watching people try on sunglasses. all about what they look like. i know i still have some vainness left, the wind blows my hair and i'm quick to brush it back with my hand so my receding hairline doesn't show.
i wonder if the people walking past even know about mental illness and what is going on in peoples heads around them. everyone is caught up in their own worlds.
i sit here in clothes i have been wearing since the 22nd december, it's now the 15th january. the only exception being a white t-shirt that i bought in adelaide after xmas with a gift card given to me from my sister/niece.
i didn't brush my teeth this morning nor put on deodorant, those things still remaining at a motel that i have no money to pay the bill.
i have now wandered around trying to pass the the time since 10am this morning, the same as i did yesterday afternoon until around 8pm last nite.
being in this position with $5.30 in my wallet, the thoughts of hopelessness and suicide coming and going in my thoughts.
i phoned the acute care team at the pa hospital about an hour ago, i said i was wandering around aimlessly and didn't know what i was doing. i told her i wanted to come into the hospital and was told they probably wouldn't accept me.
where do you go for help when even the public health system won't support you? if i had an urgent medical condition an ambulance would take me to hospital immediately. mental health is overlooked!
are my constant thoughts of suicide not urgent?
my pleads for help go unanswered by the people that are supposed to be there to help. if i had a terminal medical condition, treatment would be readily available.
is constantly wanting to die not a terminal medical condition? can it be cured?
i don't know but i definitely see it as terminal as i'm sure i will die as a consequence of the bipolar or whatever the name they choose to give to the constant mental health issue that plagues me.
i'm not sure how long i will sit here for, terri and craig are at a funeral.
funny, i gave my condolences to her and the thought of "i wish it was me" didn't come into my head.
trying to think of why, maybe because i have somewhere to stay for a couple of days.
my mobile just rang, it was a credit collection agency wanting money for an overdrawn account with the commonwealth bank. followed by a text message from foxtel asking to fix up an account. more financial problems that i will probably ignore.
need to seriously get some help with money. i have never been good with it!
what does the future hold for me or is there going to be one. in less than a month, i have gone from living in a 2.6 million dollar house and driving a $170,000 car to now sitting in a shopping centre with nowhere to live, one set of clothes, and a huge mountain to climb if i want to get back to living something of a normal life.
i wonder if i have the energy to do it again! i realise this time i will have to do it with support and control over being impulsive when my mental health is at the peak of the scale.
on the top level of the myer centre in the city now.
i have been watching a lady who is dressed like marilyn monroe. she is wearing a pink halter neck evening dress, has platinum blonde hair styled like marilyn and the beauty spot.
i sit here wondering whether she has a mental health condition, not because of her appearance but because of her mannerisms. she has shopping with her, shoes and earrings that i have noticed. she takes them out of their bags regularly to look at them.
also she has touched up her makeup a few times in the past half an
hour.
i want to go and talk to her and ask her about herself to get a better understanding of who she is. i'm hesitating to do it, maybe because i'm in my own little world at present.
this could be the start of my new journey, i find this relaxing and am quite at ease at the moment.
just looked up and she has gone! i really wish i had gone over to her and talked.
i want to start altering clothes again! random thought, yes probably.
i know i need to step away from being in control of financial matters and the running of the agency.
being in an environment where i can do things that don't put pressure on me or make promises that i can't always keep.
maybe designing clothes, doing some makeup and of course the new plan i have of finally being able to help others.
i haven't touched on that yet, but i want to increase awareness of mental health by lobbying politicians, maybe creating a website, and possibly a charity dedicated to research into mental health. would have to get someone to control the financial side of that though.
also need to document real life mental health problems, not by doctors, but from the people who really know, the people with the conditions.
looking forward to doing this, talking to sufferers on the street and in mental health wards.
probably need to get hold of a voice recorder for this and also document it by taking photographs.
i'm not sure at this stage as to where it will go from there but it will need to be published, maybe by book, but definitely in newspapers to raise awareness and maybe make some impact into peoples awareness of mental health issues.
if it makes a difference to how people react to sufferers on the street that they avoid like the plague, and show some compassion and understanding towards instead, then it will be all worthwhile.
7.30pm now! at gailes train station waiting to be picked up by craig and terri.
still thoughts of suicide are present! wondering if the train will be going fast enough at the station for me to jump in front of it and die, or if i would have to walk down the track to make sure it is going fast enough.
or should i jump the fence and walk in front of a truck on the ipswich motorway?
i decided to write this down to keep me occupied so i can try to push the thoughts to the back of my mind.
i guess that's a good thing as it probably means i am not ready to die just yet.
a train is coming now, it probably was fast enough to do the job before it stopped, but i didn't do it!
so i guess i'm here for a bit longer yet.
